A duck in a different headwind.

Prayer. Meditation. Talking. Thinking. Feeling.

I choose Meditation as my main mode of prayer. When I see others praying it is a verbal or a mental/verbal prayer.

Am I missing something by not using English language, either spoken or thought to communicate with Him? I don't think so, but will entertain the arguement.

I sometimes pray as others do, but I prefer to meditate. But as I don't expect God to speak English to me, I meditate on the feelings, emotions and open myself to feel His presence, rather than hear words spoken.

I typically meditate outside in nature, sometimes though, I can clear enough of my thoughts to meditate around crowd of people, and I'll feel His presence in the crowd.


These words came to me during recent events and I wanted to share this prayer:

I do not know if God set this trial upon us, or if it is the iniquity of our fathers for which we now pay.
I ask not for shelter from the storm, but for the resolve to keep my eyes to the Heavens and for my to stay heart true.

What defines a Church?

In some of my historical posts, I wrote that I left church for 11 years.

After some reading, and deep soul searching, I believe I didn't really leave church. Rather, that I walked out of a building and away from false believers, lost sheep and even friends.

I left traditional churches which the Church was considered a house of God, and members were allowed to visit on Sundays. This idea repelled me from traditional church life.

I have long felt close the the Gospel of St. Thomas verse 77:
GStT 77 "The Kingdom of God is inside you and all around you, Not in a mansion of wood and stone. Split a piece of wood and God is there, Lift a stone and you will find God."

I know this is Gnostic text and excluded from Canon, but I have always felt that many churches mystify Christ and actually cloud the relationship people can have with Him. They romanticize the Church (building) with the stained glass and ornate cross or crucifix. The man behind the podium that interprets God for the audience.


I was introduced to a new 'church' a few weeks ago that seems to hit this nail on the head.
The building, which they had built is not designed like a typical church. No romantic stained glass or high spires. Functional space for worship, fellowship and nothing to distract from the true body of Christ. There is no ornate cross in the 'sanctuary', just a stage and seating for us to listen from. They record and broadcast the sermons at newhopechurch.tv .

I don't really feel as if coming to church, but rather coming to school, or a community event such as a town hall to hear someone talk about an issue affecting our community.
I've seen a T-shirt on someone there that read "The Church has left the building", and I can't think of a better way to say it in six words.

We are the body of Christ, we are the Church of Christ. The believers, the followers, the saved. A church building should help the body of Christ grow, but it is not THE Church.

11 years with the world as my church

The next 11 years go by, walking into and out of the path.

Some part of the path are littered with landscapes of depression, frustration and despair.
Others are bright and joyous bringing me closer to Him.

I had a long period of questioning The Bible and Jesus. God I always felt. But my tainted views of Christianity and the negative way I have seen God's people act led me to question if the stories in the Bible could be trusted.

The Bible is afterall a work of writings by Man, translated by other people, put in to a collection, with some writings left out and deemed apocrypha.
Am I really to believe that the Bible is PURE and THE word of God after 2000 years in the hands of sinners?

Through these years, I would continue to talk to God through meditation/meditative prayer. I would feel His presence, but either couldn't hear him, or couldn't understand what he had to say.

But, if I could feel him, I reasoned, I could not be lost. I could not be forsaken.

I believed that, at the very least, a man named Jesus lived 2000 years ago. This man, sparked a religious revolution that brought the world to God. But was what is in the Bible the 'God's Honest Truth"?

It's a matter of faith to believe that Jesus died for our sins. For 11 years, I didn't know. Worse, I didn't have faith.

The first steps are often the hardest...

For the longest time, infact maybe for my whole life, I have heard and felt God, but have been unable to understand Him.

I would feel him while walking in a forest, in a crowd of people, swimming in a lake. I would meditate and once, when I was 14 I felt him so strongly it scared me right out of my meditation.
It was amazing, it was like the Big Bang went off in my soul, I felt an expansive presence far greater and reaching far beyond my physical being. It only lasted a second, it was startling, almost like I had been shocked by electricity I jumped and sweat poured down my face.

I tried for years to communicate like that with Him again, and never was able to listen in the same way.

I felt forsaken. I felt lost. I went through motions, going to service, participation in activities, but I felt as if picked last for the soccer team.
I left my parent's church and started going with my best friend. Even this felt empty, and I, in many ways drew my friend from the path.
One summer, during a trip to Canada, leaders of the trip and a particular member were 'witnessing' to me. They told me of God's unyeilding Love and Devotion.
After this trip I would learn that the particular member wrote a message to a friend of mine, warning her to stay away from me, as I was 'no good'.
Again, I felt betrayed, now but a 'trusted member' of this church. If I can't hear God, and can't trust those who claim to be able to hear him- what was I to do?

I left this church too. Later, around 16 I would begin going to a different Church, with a charasmatic young youth Pastor and his wife. Activities were fun, the fellowship was nice. I started to feel accepted and at peace with the church.
Again, something stirred the pot and ruined the pie. A family who was involved in the church came between the Pastor and his wife and took it upon themselves to 'fix' their problems. This drove her away.
While this didn't directly affect me, I was too uneasy about people who manipulated the church and sought to place their own agenda in play.
Again, I left the church, this time it would be for 11 years.

Finally heard the call

I sit, alone, in a hotel pondering how best to lay out these words to say what I've kept inside.

I have felt Him speaking to me for a long time, I feel His presence often. Until recently, I've not been able to understand what He wants me to do.

Was I not listening? Was I not ready?
Perhaps a little of both.

I can't begin to understand why I feel this calling so late in my life, but it is here, and I can't ignore it now that I understand what He is telling me to do.

I have long held talent in leading others, I know I'm not the best of leaders, I have a lot to learn, but He did grant me natural skill.
The other piece, interestingly seemed to be have been completely absent from my life before the call.

I have never fully appreciated music. I joke that I am tone deaf, though I don't think I really am, I just let all that I learned in elementary school fade away.
I had tried to play a Bass before, about 5ish years ago. Lack of focus and frustration led to me giving it up.
I bought a guitar and amp and am self learning what I can.

It's an odd feeling, I'm in no hurry, I know that when the time comes, He will provide what is needed. Until then, I am to learn, for the others that will hear it when I am ready.