The first steps are often the hardest...

For the longest time, infact maybe for my whole life, I have heard and felt God, but have been unable to understand Him.

I would feel him while walking in a forest, in a crowd of people, swimming in a lake. I would meditate and once, when I was 14 I felt him so strongly it scared me right out of my meditation.
It was amazing, it was like the Big Bang went off in my soul, I felt an expansive presence far greater and reaching far beyond my physical being. It only lasted a second, it was startling, almost like I had been shocked by electricity I jumped and sweat poured down my face.

I tried for years to communicate like that with Him again, and never was able to listen in the same way.

I felt forsaken. I felt lost. I went through motions, going to service, participation in activities, but I felt as if picked last for the soccer team.
I left my parent's church and started going with my best friend. Even this felt empty, and I, in many ways drew my friend from the path.
One summer, during a trip to Canada, leaders of the trip and a particular member were 'witnessing' to me. They told me of God's unyeilding Love and Devotion.
After this trip I would learn that the particular member wrote a message to a friend of mine, warning her to stay away from me, as I was 'no good'.
Again, I felt betrayed, now but a 'trusted member' of this church. If I can't hear God, and can't trust those who claim to be able to hear him- what was I to do?

I left this church too. Later, around 16 I would begin going to a different Church, with a charasmatic young youth Pastor and his wife. Activities were fun, the fellowship was nice. I started to feel accepted and at peace with the church.
Again, something stirred the pot and ruined the pie. A family who was involved in the church came between the Pastor and his wife and took it upon themselves to 'fix' their problems. This drove her away.
While this didn't directly affect me, I was too uneasy about people who manipulated the church and sought to place their own agenda in play.
Again, I left the church, this time it would be for 11 years.